Of dinosaurs and the Flood

Hi guys. This is Jess speaking for Andy again, as he never seems to find time to post. All that talk of road-tripping to the Creation museums of America got us really horny to re-visit the very one we lost our creation-museum virginity to: the Museum of Creation and Earth History in good ol' Santee, CA.

Luckily for us, this time around there was a tour group, which we followed for about 20min before Andy couldn't take it anymore and called the tour guide on his bullshit. Go Andy!!! Here, let him recount the story from here:

The creationists conversation game! The following are six accounts of different parts of conversations with several creationists. Some of these coversations are partly true; other parts are false. But it is all okay, because what I learned from the creationist museum is that it's ok to lie, for as long as the person you are lying to is going to hell. Since I know everyone who is likely to read this blog, it is safe for me to lie. The fun part is to determine which is a lie and which is the truth.

Cast:

Creationist 1: The tour guide. Middle aged and balding.
Creationist 2: Heavy set middle aged woman. White, so very white.
Creationist 3: To protect the innocent I will not use his real name, so I will just call him by a randomly selected codeword: "Ignorant." (For a physical description of him, just find your nearest Abercrombie and Fitch catalog and turn to the idiot page.)
Creationist 4: The only accurate description I can give is a black Kirk Cameron.

Evilutionist: Tall (relative), hairy dwarf who hasn't slept well in a month, who also happens to have a very fine ass.
Evilutionist's Girl Friend: Hot.

Part I

Creationist 1: "You know up in Montana they found a discovery that blows evolution clear out of the water. There was this Tyrannosaurus...... one of the largest found today. But there was nothing too exciting about it until they cracked open one of the leg bones. Guess what they found?"

Evilutionist (thought): Jesus?

Creationist 1: "They found soft flexible tissue. They actually found fresh blood. It doesn't take a genius to realize that this bone couldn't have been millions of years old. This made the CNN and all the other big media, before the evolutionists covered it up. They have not talked about it, because they know that this evidence supports creation and not the millions of years of evolution. This is some of the best evidence that exists for a global flood and rapid burial.

Evilutionist: "I have a question. Did you read the paper? The authors state that in no way did they find fresh blood. They found fossil traces of fossilized remnants of what appears to be veins and blood cells."

Creationist 1: "I'm not going to get nit-picky."

Evilutionist: "But they didn't find fresh blood."

Creationist 1: "This isn't a debate forum. I could spend hours explaining where you are wrong."

Creationist 2 (Given the evilutionist an evil eye): "None of us are scientists. We just came here to learn, so stop asking questions."

Evilutionist: "But they didn't find fresh blood, or soft tissues!"

Creationist 1: *sigh* "I'll give you that."

*waves of distrust flow from tour group towards Evilutionist*

Part II.

Creationist 1: "We know dinosaurs and people lived together. its in the bible."

Evilutionist: (thought) Ok, this should be interesting.

Creationist 1: "There are two places in the bible where dinosaurs are described. Evolutionist will have you brainwashed into believing that Dinosaurs lived for millions of years before Adam, but all evidence suggests otherwise."

Evilutionist: Confused. Too much bullshit too fast, yet no facts given to support claims. Must try to refute claims, but can not correct facts if no facts are given!

Creationist 1: "Ancient people knew about dinosaurs. They just called them dragons. All over the world, there are accurate descriptions of dinosaurs referred to as dragons. In the bible it mentions Behemoths with tails like cedars. Only dinosaurs have tails like cedars."

Evilutionist: (Starting to shake) Too much. Listening to this is making me dumber. It's like a secret weapon.

Creationist 1: "There was on old king, Beowulf. He was a real man. He became famous for killing dragons, until one killed him at the ripe old age of 80."

Evilutionist: Ahhhhh!!! He's using folk-lore and myths as scientific support! It so wrong, I don't know where to begin! My brain hurts. I think its starting to bleed.

Creationist 1: "People believe that there are some dinosaurs alive today. In Africa the pygmys have a creature they call mok-ele-mbembe. It is a has a cedar-like tail, its about the size of an elephant. It has a long neck, eats plants and lives sometimes in the water."

Evilutionist 1: What? He's using his ultimate secret weapon! A fake myth made up by a Germann explorer at the turn of the century, based on old information now known to be false. Sauropods aren't aquatic!!!!! The Congo is a fairly well studied eco system. Must shut down logic centers and higher brain functions.

Creationist 1: "Pygmy children tell stories of their friends being hit my mok-ele-mbembe's tail and being smashed. Watch out for his cedar-like tail (Swooshing sound, followed by squishing sound.)

Evilutionist: (On the floor convulsing. Possibly swallowing his own tongue.)

Creationist 1: "And dinosaurs breathed fire."

Evilutionist: (Head explodes.)

Luckily a unicorn and the Pilsbury Doughboy used their black magic to bring the evilutionist back to life, and give him a golden toasted color.

Part III. This part takes place in in the middle of a conversation about, well I don't know. The conversation never stayed on a single topic.

Evilutionist: "Creationism goes against everything we know about how the physi......"

Ignorant: "Well our very existence breaks the laws of physics. How can the neutrons of the atom be held together if opposite charges repel each other?"

Evilutionist: "It's called the strong atomic force. It's one of the fundamental forces in the......."

Black Kirk Cameron: "Do you believe that lying and killing are wrong? All societies believe that."

Evilutionist's girl friend: "I believe that justifying ones faith by......."

Ignorant: "Our atoms should just be flying apart! Science can't explain it. Science claims to have the answers, but these are all just theisms. They have no proof."

Evilutionist: The strong atomic force holds the atom together. It along with the electromagnetic force, weak atomic force and gravity are the four.........

Ignorant: "Well those are just theories. They put human feet on a monkey."

Evilutionist: "Let me explain Parsimony fossil reconstruction to you. And how you can .....

Black Kirk Cameron: "Do you believe that Jesus walked on water, or turned water into wine?"

Evilutionist's girl friend: "Those would be miracles--a supernatural manifestation of God! Any attempt at scientifically explaining that would be inherently wrong. But that is what creationism is attempting to........."

Ignorant: "Cambrian explosion. Science can't explain the Cambrian explosion!"

Evilutionist: "Well, lets talk about the Cambrian explosion then, and why the creationist account .....

Ignorant: "Evolution is the foundation of Nazism and Communism."

(At this point the evilutionist catches on fire.)

Ignorant: (To Evilutionist's girlfriend about the now burning evilutionist) "He seems jumpy and condescending."

Evilutionist's girl friend: "Well, you never let him finish a sent......"

Ignorant:"Evolution is just another religion. We didn't come from rocks."

Again, by the power vested in the Pillsbury Doughboy and his trusty unicorn, Rainbow, the evilutionist is saved.

Part IV

Evilutionist: "Can you give me one example were you think evolutionists are lying to you?"

Black Kirk Cameron: "Do you believe that lying is wrong? Do you believe that killing is wrong? Do you believe in the bible?"

Evilutionist: "What I believe about lying is irrelavent to the topic. I'm saying that creationism and this museum are spreading false information. Again, I'll ask you: What specifically about evolution do you believe is factually incorrect."

Black Kirk Cameron: "I don't come from a monkey!"

Evilutionist: "Well, that's correct. You're an ape. You have no tail, and you've got fingernails, and nipples on your chest. And evolution says you evolved from a common ancestor, not from modern primates. That's why you share these traits with other apes. So what facts can you use to support creationism?"

Black Kirk Cameron: "I done talking about that. Do you believe lying is wrong?"

*Evilutionist picks up tiny model dinosaurs and calmly grinds out his own eyes.*

Black Kirk Cameron: "Where do you think you'll go when you die, heaven or hell?"

Part V.

Evilutionist: "Damn you, fools!! You have discovered the hundred and fifty year plot, to make beastiality legal through informed debate over the fossil record!"

Creationist 1: "I knew this day would come."

Evilutionist: *Horns sprout, and his eyes become as red as blood. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a baby and bites its head off.*

Creationist 1: Removes his masks, and reveals his true identity: Charleton Heston. "Now, I'll send you hell spawn back to the Godless planet of the ape-men that I, Moses, so heroically escapeded from!"

Evilutionist: (Hissing with a snakes tongue) "You'll never stop me and my Anti-American-Apple-Pie-Pro-Sodomy-new-age-ism agenda!"

Chaleton Heston: Pulls out a loaded .44 bible."See you in hell..... from Heaven." Then blows away the evilutionist, unicorn and the Pillsbury doughboy.

So,

Can you guess which parts are true?

Answer: The only true part is the unicorn.... and Evilutionist's girl friend being hot. Overall this museum was informative, and by informative I mean non-informative.

Other great quotes:

"Animals turn into gas." - when asked why there weren't poly-striate animal fossils in rock layers, but only fossil plants.

"Dr. Hovind is a real respected scientist." Not true.

"He taught high school biology for 15 years" - When told that "Dr." Hovind is not a scientist, nor does he have a real degree, nor has he ever published a scientific paper, and that he has repeatedly made comments that show he has no concept of basic biology and physics. (I didn't inform him that he also is a tax evader. i.e. a felon.)

"You sometimes can't find the evidence you want." - when asked why fossils, specifically pollens, are sorted taxonmonically in the rock layers and not found mixed together.

"For the greater good." - Justifying why it's okay for the museum to display incorrect information immediately after being told about absolute immorality of lying.

"The universe is actually smaller than it appears because gravity is making it look larger." - ?!

"The ice age needed to be -600 degrees in order to freeze the mammoth's stomach contents." - Absolute zero is -459 F. At which point, all movement would cease. Atoms and subatomic particles would collapse in upon themselves, and the mammoth would not be preserved.

PostScript -- Ignorant died. After hearing that what was keeping atoms together was only a theory, his atoms flew apart.