countdown to my lameass wedding

I have this recurring dream:

me, standing on the dancefloor in my giant white wedding gown, having a decent, average time.

suddenly this hoard of screaming children with messy faces encircle around me and rush forward with cake-covered fingers outstretched.

I wake up only in time to realize that the reality of my nightmare is less than a month away.




God fucking dammit, i hate hate hate hate children.

so why the fuck is everyone bringing their kids??? Because nobody gives a fuck what i want, that's why.

I already gave up the idea of a small, maryland wedding at the courthouse. I gave up on having family dinner wedding in Wisconsin. I got the church booked, and the reception hall booked, and the big huge fucking wedding dress, all because i didn't want everyone to be so god damn dissapointed in me.

And now I have to deal with their children???!

I'm 2 more invitations away from tying piano wire around my neck and jumping off a bridge.


On top of that, the music I wanted for the wedding is out. They fucking can't play the Beatles when I walk down the aisle---Why you ask? Well bcz the song I want doesn't reference God. The piano guy then proceded to play me some god-awful contemporary christian vomit by Steven Curtis Chapman which is just fine because it had a line that said, "I'm thankful to you and the one who gave you to me."

You know what I'm thankful for? Baseball bats and justifiable homicide.


and piano wire and tall bridges.



did i say 2 invitations away? i mean 1.